Cruising Toward Valentine’s Day: Resolutions for a Happier Marriage

lovein-the-airIt’s February 8th. Do you know where your New Year’s resolutions went?

Hope they are going well. Meanwhile, as we cruise toward Valentine’s Day, why not resolve to enhance your one flesh union?

Disclaimer: My husband and I are not marriage experts. We both failed at it the first time. We are divorced, Reformed and remarried…remember. Here are some things we’ve learned (and are still learning) from this day forward

How can I love thee better? Let me count the ways…

Schedule regular devotions and prayer together. We all know how important this is, but we often neglect doing this as a couple. It is crucial if we want to keep our marriage intact.

Assume the best of him (her). How often do we come to conclusions about our mate before all the facts are in? Ladies, we (well I know I do!) try to read his mind and motivations, then assume the worst. Not good. Stop it.

No dumping. When he calls from work, or comes home from work at the end of the day, don’t dump problems on him. He’s been stressed for 8 hours or more, don’t add to it. Save the problems, discussions, bills for later.

Guard one another’s souls. This would be the opposite of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. We all struggle with sin. Confess when you’re curt, wrong, or have lost your temper. Ask for forgiveness and mean it. Ask if your honey has slipped, needs prayer, or needs a broom over his head.

Guard your tongue. This is a biggie. And stop that muttering under your breath. It would be good to do repeated studies on the tongue throughout the year. It’s astounding how many bible verses there are on misuse of the tongue! Many of them come from Proverbs, one of the wisdom books. So here is wisdom:

  • He that keepeth his mouth keepeth his life: but he that openeth wide his lips shall have destruction (Proverbs 13:3).
  • Seest thou a man that is hasty in his words? there is more hope of a fool than of him (Proverbs 29:20).
  • Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment (Matthew 12:36).
  • Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers (Ephesians 4:29).
  • Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles (Proverbs 21:23).
  • A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. . . . A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit (Proverbs 15:1,4).
  • Death and life [are] in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. (Proverbs 18:8)
  • For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile: (1 Peter 3:10)
  • And the tongue [is] a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell. (James 3:6)
  • If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion [is] vain. (James 1:26)

sources: Scripture to Help Tame My Tongue and Bible Verses About Power of the Tongue

If those verses don’t convince you to be careful with that tongue, there are many more. Continue reading

Happy 1st Birthday, Divorced, Reformed and Remarried!

It’s been a while since my last post. Summer flew by and circumstances did not allow the time to write. Also, I’ve been wrestling with whether this blog should continue. I realized today that Divorced, Reformed and Remarried began a year ago – so a little celebration is in order.

Happy birthday, Divorced, Reformed and Remarried!

It’s a good time to review past posts and reflect on possible future ones.

Our Identity Crisis! series started in March. Wow. I did not expect so many related news stories to coincide with the subject. Since the series began, we’ve witnessed the Supreme Court decision on same sex marriage, the debut of Caitlyn Jenner, and a surge toward gender neutrality among corporations.

Monday is Labor Day. Most students are back in school. I always loved the new school year. It seemed to me a better time for a fresh start. New marble notebooks and blank white pages await. So does this blog.

Blank pages, fresh start!
Blank pages, fresh start!

There will be a few more posts in the Identity Crisis! series and then I hope to move on to less cumbersome subjects.

Stay tuned…

Purging and Pursuing Wisdom in Blogging With Humility

Divorce agreement - approvedJanuary is a great month to purge.  Purge closets. Purge drawers. Purge the papers under the bed. That’s where I keep my divorce papers. For legal purposes, those will have to stay. But I still have drawers full of journals. Interspersed with joyful reflections on homemaking and childrearing are lamentations over a failing marriage. Trying to purge, but how do I skim off the fat (broken marriage and betrayal) and keep the healthy minerals (memories of motherhood)?  It should be as easy as soup. But the skimming process forces me to read them. To shred or not to shred. That is the question. Yet I must purge. I sure could use the drawer space for more fuzzy sox.

So I’ve been caught up in this for several days. It plunged me into melancholy. I started rehashing stuff in my mind. I’m grieving again, with Natalie Merchant moaning in the background. It doesn’t help that this month marks the 10th Anniversary of my divorce being final.

I failed to heed wisdom I wrote about before in my post The Second Time Around: Yours, Mine and Ours, Yes!don’t look back. The holidays always cause nostalgia to flare up, so I need to cut myself some slack. There’s nothing wrong with remembering precious moments with my children. But to relive the death of a marriage is for naught. I will skim through my journal pages with a discriminating eye. I will treasure the good and destroy the evil.

Though this blog says ‘divorced’, I don’t want to focus on that. The title remains as is, but only so I can help others, perhaps, heal from divorce. I will never bash my ex or rehash. I’d like to emphasize marriage – having a God-glorifying one at that.

Maybe I should have made two posts out of this one, but I think it will be okay to segue into: Continue reading

About this blog…

You may already have aDSCN3604 clue about this blog’s subject matter, but I think I need to explain. My blog theme is almost an oxymoron. There are many in Reformed Christian circles who believe that remarriage after divorce is absolutely forbidden, no matter what the divorce circumstances were. I am a Reformed remarried divorcee. A divorced and remarried Reformed Christian. No matter how you put it, it doesn’t sound good. I hate the D word. This blog is not aiming to balk at denominations that are strict in their convictions. I’m with them and most of all I’m with Jesus: He hates divorce and I hate it, too. I will attempt to share the anguish, anxieties, and apprehension that preceded our marriage. Besides the difficulty of a second marriage, my husband and I are middle-aged with grown children. Thus, there will be posts about other issues that make second marriages difficult. I’d like to open up discussion on remarriage after a so-called ‘Biblical divorce’ — caused by infidelity or abandonment (or in my case, both!) There must be more people like us sitting in those Reformed pews. You can imagine there will be an infinite amount of subjects to tackle on these pages, including the many blessings of a new marriage. I’m excited. Let’s dig in…